It’s the second day after the election, and the first thing I want to say is that if you are still in line, stay in line! It’s still important! Stay strong, Florida.
Seriously, the news from Florida is not to expect anything soon. Don’t worry—we never expect anything from Florida... except chaos. The truly sad thing is that Florida is already the poster child for election incompetence. You can’t blast Florida with an analogy, because Florida IS the analogy! What are you going to say? “Congratulations, Florida—you have now become the Florida of elections!”
They say the race could still be close enough to trigger a recount in Florida. I guess my first question would be “What exactly does it take to trigger an initial count in Florida?” Now Florida is an embarrassment to the entire United States. It’s like the rest of the world is looking at us and saying “Hey America, your fly is unzipped, and your Florida is hanging out.” Right now, the electoral map for this election is all red and blue, except for Florida, which is gray, or black, or yellow, or whatever color that particular news outlet uses to signify a state that can’t count. The worst are the maps where Florida is a sickly dark color, dangling out there in the ocean like some sort of malignant growth that the doctors tied off so that it would wither and fall off. They say the last voter in Florida voted around 1 a.m., but I bet there are still more voters out there, waiting to be discovered like Japanese soldiers on some Pacific island 20 years after the end of World War II. 30 years from now, they’ll still be pulling Florida voters out of abandoned polling places: “What’s going on? Is the 2012 Florida election still on? Is Obama president?” “The election’s been over for 30 years! This is 2042... and the President of the United States is Sasha Obama.”
Karl Rove’s Crossroads GPS got knocked right off the map last night! Conservative activist Richard Viguerie said that “in any logical universe” Rove “would never be hired to run or consult on a national campaign again.” Luckily for Karl Rove, Republicans do not live in any logical universe. In the folklore of the blues, the Crossroads is where a person goes to sell their soul to the Devil. When you think of it that way, Karl Rove couldn’t have come up with a better name for his super PAC—because when you make a deal with the Devil, you always get burned.
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Jon Stewart with a bird’s eye view from the top of BS Mountian...